Double-Booked, Coffee Morning

So here I am, in a coffee place in my hometown, far too early in the morning, casually growling at my fellow customers. The reason I'm here rather than, say, in bed, in the big house in the country I'm currently call home, is that I thought I had a farmer's market today. Because I did. And about 10 minutes away from Chez Harmonica Niall (from whence we would make our cheery disposition-y way to the market), Niall rings me to tell me that Marketman has double booked, and the other guy is there, set up, and ready to go. Bastard's probably a morning person too. Ah well. Best foot forward and all that. My revised plan (Plan 2.0 or ever better; Operation: er... Something) is to sit here for a bit, possibly meet up with a friend who's back from London, then get my abundant behind back West where I belong. Operation: Sneeze-Weasel has a certain ring to it. Yep, I think I'll go with that. Mucho thanks to the guy sitting across from me, who's face inspired the title.

Right, the table beside me just opened up. Now we play Hot Coffee Drinker Lotto. It's an easy game to play, a casual little pass-time that requires no special equipment, skills or hand-eye coordination. You just hope like hell that the person who sits down will be hot, single, friendly, and thoroughly enchanted by your good self. Here we go...

AND THE RESULTS ARE IN! The winner is... some dude with a penchant for moca-frappa-whatever and a scone. Shite! Another thirty seconds and it would have been quirky pretty girl with glasses. Well, thats what happens when you play Hot Coffee Drinker Lotto. Please note that variants can be played on public transport or in public recreational areas. And I have a funny feeling you're reading what I'm typing, Senor Sonny-Jim half-caff. It's early in the morning, I'm cranky and double booked and you should have been a pretty girl with glasses. So take a piece of friendly advice, my friend; jog the fook on.

Well that's sorted then. It's funny, you know. When I occasionally find meself walking around early in the morning with a guitar case (and they always seem to weigh more in the mornings, don't they?) I sometimes get these looks of 'What's one of them doing up so early? They only come out at night.' Believe me, if you find yourself looking at someone of a musical persuasion and thinking this, don't feel ashamed or judgmental. Rather, I applaud your powers of observation. Rest assured the poor sap holding the guitar case is thinking something similar, barring the edition of a string of expletives as long as your *&$%*@£&$% mother-!*$^^%£ arm.

Oooh, pretty girl who's into running just came in. Herr Civilized-Breakfast is still in situ and expecting a friend. Today is not my day. Operation Sneeze-Weasel is off to a bad start. The rush seems to be over, so new customers seem to be thin on the ground. There's probably a coffee joke in there somewhere... ground? Anybody? Fair enough. The new arrivals seem to be a mix of beardy men and couples who insist on maliciously holding hands and looking happy. “Look at us!” their body language exclaims. “At least one of us had sex last night!” Well done. I'm happy for you. Grrr.

I don't think the music is helping my mood. Ordinarily after this much ranting, I should be in a relatively good mood and ready to greet the rest of this suddenly-day off. The music sounds like it's off one of those chill-out albums that were all the rage in the early noughties. For all I know, they might still be making them and I've stopped noticing, but certainly rewind a few years and it seemed that every sunday newspaper was giving them away. New Classic Chill-Out Vol. IX! Made by 90s electro-artists who gave up the coke and decided to drag out the old synth for the larf and to keep young Gabiel and Dandelion in that trendy pre-school all the parents say is Jost Soooo UHmaaaazing!

Right, enough of this foul-moodiness. I'm not normally like this, and despite the woeful cover of Let It Be that just invaded by ears, I refuse to be in a bad mood any longer. Exit stage left Not-in-the-least-bit-happy Rob, enter stage right the nice-but-dim Rob you all know and tolerate. Methinks tis time to toddle. The only problem is that running girl is still here, and occasionally looking over. I know she's into running because it's written on her tshirt. I must admit though, that I'm a little bit paranoid. I have a backpack with me, and I know, deep down in the pit of my soul, that I've been putting my backpack on my back the exact same way since I was seven. The fuller the pack, the more like a seven year old I look. You know what I'm talking about; the slight swivel of the body, the partially constipated look, the little hop at the end and jacket sleeves ending up half way up the arms. And I'll tell you now that my backpack is pretty stuffed at the moment. If she looks over at any time of the course of this long and complex operation (the kind of operation that certainly doesn't deserve a name), my coolness factor will fall quicker than something that falls very fast indeed. And the door to this place doesn't open the whole way, so there's a good chance I'll get stuck. This should be... interesting.

Right, you have have been magically transported to the future! What seemed like a mere paragraph break to you was in fact over an hour for me! Serious Doctor Who stuff going on here. Managed to escape the Tiny Little Door of Death without too much incident. The fact that it's a beautiful day in the city has driven away by bad mood. It would have been the perfect day to play outdoors at a bustling farmer's market, but, in all honesty, it's a perfect day to do absolutely anything. I hope it's this nice wherever you are, dear Reader

Thanks for reading my little rant guys. More to come :-)